Love me or Hate me this is my Life

If someone wanted to propose to me like this I’d be totally alright with it… even if I don’t like Bruno Mars… I want someone to be this creative! So sweet 

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THE BAR HAS BEEN RAISED BITCHES!!!

There are many things I want in life, there’s a long list of what I wish my life was. But I finally know what I need to do, stop wishing about life and rather start doing, I won’t be able to accomplish everything I’d like to I know that for a fact, like the touring thing, that might never happen, nor a sleeve of tattoos… But I digress… I just need to find the motivation to get my life on the right track, and yet again I’m not getting it at home…

This is another night I’m actually tried and can’t sleep… Not to mention I think my sinuses are severely out of wack there for giving me a headache tonight cause my ear and eye hurt… Ergh… Anywhoo buckle up for the roller coaster that are always my tired tumblr posts. Tonight’s entertainment includes the bout of loneliness, what the hell I’m doing with my life, and random other little add-ins like the fact that my iPod just chose to play the original Jesus of Suburbia after the musical version… Way to go iPod… The thoughts of loneliness probably comes about every night, sometimes I wonder how I keep myself from finding more things wrong with my life and spiraling into depression but it’s a super good thing I can keep myself from that. I really hate to say this because I love her truly with all my heart and would never wish anything bad on her but there are times that everything that is wrong with me is my mothers fault. She is a very loving person who always thinks of others before herself which is a very admirable characteristic about her that I only wish I could be half the woman she is. But thats where the issues start. She always wanted the best for me, let me off easy growing up, but as much as I love her for that its screwing me over now in life. I have no confidence because i never did anything in grade school and cause of my weight which yes I could have helped myself but she didnt help so much with that either, now she just constantly points it out, pinching problem areas in public or private, it doesn’t matter it hurts none the less, you don’t think the fact that my clothes don’t fit or that I don’t have a boyfriend now isn’t a constant reminder? Touchy subject, typing it has actually brought me to tears… Telling me these things that I need to work on until I clam up cause I’m going to cry then telling me I am a pretty girl doesn’t help. What would help is actually helping and motivating cause I have issues with that don’t tell me things to do then bring home donuts, which actually I’m not a big fan of so that’s alright but it’s not my point. Sometimes I’m afraid to be fully myself at home that I am at school, cause I get the support and confidence boosting compliments from my friends and my sisters without the judging I get at home. I like to say I dress sort of rock edginess always with a dash of odd quarky… My sisters tell me I look cutie when I go out like that where as here id get the why are you dressed like that? This tryin to get a job thing is a pain in my ass too. I’m 21 years old and never had a real job. There is hardly anything out there right now and nothing that would hold half my interest. I’m also scared to do it, thanks again sheltered life… I have big dreams that will never come true. Cause of the lack of confidence and motivation. I’m an extremely creative person and I know bits and pieces of pretty much everything in the art world, I’m rather savy with various technology, and that’s something that I normally have an interest in figuring out more for myself. When it comes to learning some things I’m very independent, I don’t like to be bothered. Like now I have a little drive for making somethin as simple as the Facebook fan page for my dads band amazing and makes me want to learn how to shoot and edit videos. My dad just told me tonight that they didn’t get a gig because of videos that someone else posted to their wall because they were poorly done and the promoters looking at the page were unimpressed with the band. I feel I could make that page great and their normal website better if I had the right tools to do it, which I don’t cause they cost money which I don’t have cause I don’t have a job. It’s a vicious lame cycle. Basically I hate people, money, and my life… I need a new one… Now one recent dream of mine has been to go on tour… I don’t know how I feel about the whole not being able to shower as often as you can (being a blonde sucks in that way, in like a day and a half depending on what type of day it is my hair is visibly greasy and dirty) in the past I’d be nervous about the traveling and being away from home for so long and so far away but now I feel I’d like it, not so afraid anymore to move away. But that is a tricky field to get into, I know one kid who graduated a year before me managed to do which is awesome, I follow him on here an twitter and am lookin forward to read something’s from warped. So I just sit or lie in bed listen to all the music I love dreaming of meeting and being on the road with some of them, except the bluegrass dudes, but I do love me some Pickin on Green Day or Led Zeppelin some days lol. Now I know that posting to tumblr where no one really reads my posts matter, I know a few select do but really I just do this so I don’t go nuts and I don’t seem nuts cause of the way I write. But I know there isn’t going to be someone who magically reads this feels bad and makes all my dreams come true, if that really did happen my twitter tumblr and Facebook would explode with joy and updates out the ass, only when I had wifi though… Stupid not smart phone… I want and iPhone. Kinda wish it wasnt 2:14 in the morning I’d go for a walk another way to clear my mind, but my parents would find out and be like wtf? Don’t do that… One thing that will be nice about next year though we got our own apartment a school so times like this I’ll just go sit on our stoop listen to the night. Nothing like soft music mixed with the silence of night and the soft breeze that is always in the air up at school… Perfect for thinking and mind clearing. Well this seems long but they always do on my iPod and my fingers hurt from holding it, my head hurts a little worse now that I cried so I’m going to end this post and hopefully fall asleep real quick. Good night world, heres to hopin tomorrow is better…

PLAM - K

Ps: PLAM = Peace Love Art Music (Thought it was a good sign off no?)

Best friend isn’t a term I throw around alot… I know everyone is different but to me a best friend is someone whos closer to me than what some other people are to those they call their best friends… To quote one of my best friends who I think her gram said this but a best friend is someone who even when you don’t see them for a really long time the first time your together you pick up where you left off, like you were never apart to begin with… Some people may disagree with me but I just had to get my opinion out there because to me some if your ‘Best Friends’ are just good friends. I have at least two of the best examples of best friends based on that I said prior we all go to different schools, one even in a different state but her and I talk any time we can and when we are together when she’s home yea we need to catch up but there is nothing weird between us, it’s just like old times but maybe even better because yes we’ve changed in college but for the better so it just enhances our best friendness… This was longer than I expected it to be lol and just makes me miss my best friends who I can’t even see yet…

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(Source: simpledisneythings.com)