Love me or Hate me this is my Life

I think I’m going through another breakdown… My stomach is in nervous knots for more than one reason. It pains me to miss someone so bad I truly miss their presence in my life. And then there’s the knots off extreme like. Someone who makes me smile but he never sees that. But then at the same time why do I now feel like crying? And stalling myself from sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well since I got home and now with classes I have to be up at 6:30 to drive 45 minutes away and I am seeming to do everything in my subconscious power to deter myself from sleeping. My mind is spinning. Maybe I’m trying so hard to ever so slightly hint I want him to text me. Text me till I fall asleep so I go to sleep with a smile on my face. All these sub posts about you, one you liked instantly after it was posted… Do you realize that’s half about you? Do you realize that most of the smooshy posts I post wishing for things are really wishing for you? Am I trying to hard? Is that why you haven’t made a move? I’d probably say yes to almost anything you’d ask me. I’m confessing all this and I know you’ll never see it, but it’s still wishful thinking that you can just feel me thinking about you. Making you want to get to know me more. I already spilled more than you should know within the first few days of taking, but also I’m more than just a kinda awkward girl who loves Batman… Be my Bruce Wayne, be my James Dean, just please someday soon be mine?

I would just like to say that I hate but sometimes live the fact that my friends have influenced and molded my mind and thought process so much that every other thing I say comes out with the possibility of sexual content… when I am currently the last person to mean it… Just a giant that’s what she/he said joke…. Ugh fuck…

This I feel is not a realization but maybe just a stronger draw of attention. But I never really sat back and thought about how much hate is actually in the world… The trigger tonight, a simple picture. Kat Von D had posted a picture of one of her fans jacket/vest with band patches on it in some of her favorites on instagram. They included Pantera, Metallica, Slayer, I forget the other one without looking… Then in the corner there was a Green Day patch. That’s where everything blew up. There was so much hate against the band, and yes them being my favorite band the first fuck Green Day post I saw I did in my head go “fuck you” an yes that was wrong but it’s the sad impulse of society today. All the hater comments were ‘comparing’ them saying they didn’t deserve to be placed at the same level in the same category as the others, who were all metal. Which you can’t at all compare Green Day to the likes of Pantera, Metallic and the like at all what so ever. She was simply displaying the bands she loves, is it so wrong to like more than one genera? Is it so wrong to mix the classics with more modern music? Is it so hard to keep your fucking mouth shut when you don’t agree with something so minor as what bands patches are on a random strangers jacket? You don’t have to see it daily… Are you just that big of a dick that you can’t just say it in your head and move on? Cause I think you are… No one can call you a dick if you say it in your head.

I need to find something in life to make myself even more happy, a reevaluation if you will… I was coming to terms with a friendship that failed, which I am still okay with, the more I look back on it it wasn’t a very healthy relationship. But I saw something new that made me maybe a little angry, and just rather hurt. I think the previously mentioned might be the reasoning for another broken relationship that I would really like to fix, it is a more important friendship relationship. I just don’t know how to do it when they won’t really talk to me.

I also need some sort of ‘scissors’ to ‘cut the ties’ that are holding me back in life. I have idea’s and dreams, that are huge, and what would probably make me happy, I just don’t have the right push or drive or motivation to make them happen. What I think I need is a partner in crime to push me. Though it might be to late but maybe I do need to drop things and make something like living with one of my best friends in NYC happen. Yea sure it’d be scary and what not, but at the same time it would probably do so much good for me. 

Writing stuff out always makes me feel a little better, it works well when I don’t really have anyone to talk to about certain situations, cause those I thought I could tell, I can’t trust anymore, I’ve been betrayed. 

I need to throw more things out, sell things, work better at getting that job that I so desperately need. 

This is not the feeling I signed up for this summer…     

Well summer has started for me, the stress from school is slowly slipping away, only to change into new stresses, and there are still a few lingering issues that weren’t solved when I thought they were. I really wish I could just get away, I think that would be best for me, just drive, have no real plan of where to go, well maybe a plan so I don’t get lost. It’s not that I don’t want to be at home, cause I don’t mind it now that I opened up a little more to my parents, let them into my life a little more it’s easier to be around them. I just need something different, not the same old planet I call home. Driving back up to school Monday made me realize I love driving, so much I just wanted to keep going, but I have no gas money and my mom would have kicked my ass so I went home… 

With that also, I have one semester left for school, I need to find a different dream, something I can strive to do with my life. I think so big but I haven’t found the drive. Maybe what I do need to do is move to New York with my best friend when I’m done. New place, a chance for me to start over. I’d be hella homesick at first, and probs scared out of my mind cause of the way I’m programmed but deep down I really feel I need that.

I need to let go, I need an overhaul, the only way I feel I can do that is I need to understand and push myself. I’ve needed the push for so long and haven’t found the person to do it, no matter how hard I try, I gotta change.

Just gotta figure out how…  

tonight is a night for fun, tonight is a night to forget…

after all the stress of the past weeks, it’s a time to be with the ones you love and the ones who love you while all the others can so screw themselves with a rusty corkscrew… 

put all emotions aside, all the anger and stress behind. no tears shall fall over asshole’s but only for the thought of leaving the sisters you’ve grown to love so much. 

that much you never want to forget…